Ask "Are you willing to find a solution better than either of us has thought of?"
Open the conversation with a single question that resets both parties from adversaries to co-creators.
Key takeaways
- What it is: Open the conversation with a single question that resets both parties from adversaries to co-creators.
- Why it works: The question does two things simultaneously: it signals genuine openness (lowering the other person’s threat response) and it commits both parties to a collaborative frame before any proposals are on the table. Once someone says yes, defending a position becomes cognitively inconsistent with the commitment they just made.
- Evidence: Backed by observational / correlational evidence.
- Avoid: Asking the question while internally still holding your original solution as the likely answer — the other person reads this incongruence and the frame collapses.
Why it works
The question does two things simultaneously: it signals genuine openness (lowering the other person’s threat response) and it commits both parties to a collaborative frame before any proposals are on the table. Once someone says yes, defending a position becomes cognitively inconsistent with the commitment they just made.
How to do it
- 1Before presenting your own position or agenda, ask: "Would you be willing to search for a solution that is better than what either of us is currently proposing?"
- 2Wait for a genuine answer — do not treat a polite yes as enough.
- 3If they say no or are skeptical, explore what would make them feel safe enough to say yes.
- 4Only after both parties agree to the frame, move to defining success criteria.
What the evidence says
ObservationalThe move from positional to interest-based framing is well supported in negotiation research. Integrative bargaining — looking for solutions that expand the pie — reliably outperforms positional bargaining in both joint gains and relationship quality.
Honest caveat: The "third alternative" label and the specific four-question sequence are Covey’s framing; the underlying integrative negotiation research is independent.
- — Fisher, Ury & Patton, Getting to Yes (1981) — foundational text on interest-based negotiation
Common mistake
Asking the question while internally still holding your original solution as the likely answer — the other person reads this incongruence and the frame collapses.
IX Coach walks you through the framing conversation, surfaces whether you are genuinely open or still anchored to your position, and helps you adjust before the real conversation.
Practice this with IX Coach →