Turn toward bids for connection
Respond to your partner’s small bids for attention rather than turning away or against them.
Key takeaways
- What it is: Respond to your partner’s small bids for attention rather than turning away or against them.
- Why it works: A "bid" is any small request for attention, affection, or support — a comment, a question, a sigh. Each one is a chance to turn toward, away, or against. Consistently turning toward bids builds an "emotional bank account" of goodwill that buffers the relationship through harder moments.
- Evidence: Backed by observational / correlational evidence.
- Avoid: Missing low-key bids because they don’t look like requests — a passing remark gets ignored, and the missed connection accumulates.
Why it works
A "bid" is any small request for attention, affection, or support — a comment, a question, a sigh. Each one is a chance to turn toward, away, or against. Consistently turning toward bids builds an "emotional bank account" of goodwill that buffers the relationship through harder moments.
How to do it
- 1Treat small comments and questions as bids, not interruptions.
- 2Turn toward with even a brief acknowledgment instead of staying absorbed elsewhere.
- 3Make your own bids, and notice which of your partner’s you tend to miss.
What the evidence says
ObservationalGottman’s longitudinal observation found that couples who stayed together turned toward bids far more often than couples who later separated.
Honest caveat: The bid-response pattern is observationally robust but correlational; turning toward is a habit to build, not a guaranteed lever.
Common mistake
Missing low-key bids because they don’t look like requests — a passing remark gets ignored, and the missed connection accumulates.
IX Coach helps you notice the easily-missed bids in daily life and build the habit of turning toward them.
Practice this with IX Coach →