Turn toward bids for connection
Respond to small, everyday bids for attention as if they matter — because they do.
Key takeaways
- What it is: Respond to small, everyday bids for attention as if they matter — because they do.
- Why it works: A "bid" in Gottman’s framework is any attempt to connect — a comment about the weather, pointing at something interesting, a touch on the shoulder. Partners can turn toward (engage), turn away (ignore), or turn against (react negatively). Gottman found that "turning toward" was one of the strongest predictors of relationship stability because bids are the basic currency of emotional connection. Each turned-away bid slightly lowers the sense of being seen; patterns of turning away accumulate into emotional distance.
- Evidence: Backed by observational / correlational evidence.
- Avoid: Waiting for big moments to show up for your partner and missing the dozens of small bids each day — the ratio is built in the ordinary, not the dramatic.
Why it works
A "bid" in Gottman’s framework is any attempt to connect — a comment about the weather, pointing at something interesting, a touch on the shoulder. Partners can turn toward (engage), turn away (ignore), or turn against (react negatively). Gottman found that "turning toward" was one of the strongest predictors of relationship stability because bids are the basic currency of emotional connection. Each turned-away bid slightly lowers the sense of being seen; patterns of turning away accumulate into emotional distance.
How to do it
- 1Notice bids — they are often indirect or low-key ("look at that bird" is a bid).
- 2Respond to at least the presence of the bid even when you can’t fully engage: "I want to hear that — give me two minutes."
- 3Respond physically, not just verbally: look up, turn your body.
- 4At day’s end, think of one bid you turned away and repair it with a question.
What the evidence says
ObservationalGottman’s observational research found that couples who eventually divorced showed significantly lower rates of turning toward bids compared to stable couples — a finding robust across multiple longitudinal studies in the Seattle Love Lab.
Honest caveat: Observational and correlational; turning toward bids predicts relationship stability but this does not prove it is the causal lever, or that drilling it alone produces change.
- — Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown.
Common mistake
Waiting for big moments to show up for your partner and missing the dozens of small bids each day — the ratio is built in the ordinary, not the dramatic.
IX Coach helps you recognize bid patterns you’ve described and prompts micro-responses that keep the connection current rather than waiting for a formal relationship "check-in."
Practice this with IX Coach →