Focus on solutions, not blame
Ask "What can we do to fix this?" rather than "Why did you do that?" — one opens, the other closes.
Key takeaways
- What it is: Ask "What can we do to fix this?" rather than "Why did you do that?" — one opens, the other closes.
- Why it works: "Why did you do that?" is typically a rhetorical accusation, not a genuine inquiry — children know this and respond defensively. "What can we do to fix this?" invites the child into a joint problem-solving frame, which activates competence and belonging rather than shame and defense. The solution focus also teaches the child a transferable skill: when something goes wrong, the first question is "what can be done?" not "who’s at fault?"
- Evidence: Backed by observational / correlational evidence.
- Avoid: Asking "What can we do?" in a tone that makes clear the question is rhetorical and you’ve already decided — the child will disengage from the "solution" the same way they disengage from imposed rules.
Why it works
"Why did you do that?" is typically a rhetorical accusation, not a genuine inquiry — children know this and respond defensively. "What can we do to fix this?" invites the child into a joint problem-solving frame, which activates competence and belonging rather than shame and defense. The solution focus also teaches the child a transferable skill: when something goes wrong, the first question is "what can be done?" not "who’s at fault?"
How to do it
- 1After acknowledging the problem, pivot with solution language: "The milk is spilled. What do we do now?"
- 2For bigger issues: "That hurt your brother. What can you do to make it better?"
- 3Let the child generate the solution if possible; coach it toward realistic and reparative if needed.
What the evidence says
ObservationalSolution-focused brief therapy research shows that orienting clients toward solutions and competence rather than problems and blame produces better outcomes; applied in educational settings, it predicts faster behavioral improvement.
Honest caveat: Solution-focused research is primarily in therapeutic contexts; generalization to everyday parenting interactions is clinically consistent but not separately studied in naturalistic home settings.
- — de Shazer, S. (1985). Keys to Solution in Brief Therapy. Norton.
Common mistake
Asking "What can we do?" in a tone that makes clear the question is rhetorical and you’ve already decided — the child will disengage from the "solution" the same way they disengage from imposed rules.
IX Coach coaches you on solution-focused language for your most frequent conflict scenarios, including how to genuinely receive the child’s proposed solution even when it’s imperfect.
Practice this with IX Coach →