Use family meetings to solve problems together
When children help solve the problem, they own the solution — and solutions they own, they actually follow.
Key takeaways
- What it is: When children help solve the problem, they own the solution — and solutions they own, they actually follow.
- Why it works: Dreikurs found that children cooperate more fully with solutions they participated in creating. The mechanism is autonomy and ownership: when a solution is imposed, the child’s role is compliance; when they contributed to it, their role is stewardship. Family meetings operationalize this by creating a regular forum for collaborative problem-solving that includes everyone affected — building both competence (problem-solving practice) and belonging (equal voice at the table).
- Evidence: Plausible mechanism, limited direct outcome data.
- Avoid: Using the family meeting as a venue for announcing decisions that have already been made — which the children will immediately perceive, converting a participatory tool into a performance.
Why it works
Dreikurs found that children cooperate more fully with solutions they participated in creating. The mechanism is autonomy and ownership: when a solution is imposed, the child’s role is compliance; when they contributed to it, their role is stewardship. Family meetings operationalize this by creating a regular forum for collaborative problem-solving that includes everyone affected — building both competence (problem-solving practice) and belonging (equal voice at the table).
How to do it
- 1Schedule a regular family meeting — weekly or biweekly — with a consistent structure: compliments, agenda items, plans, and a fun activity.
- 2Put problems on the agenda in advance, not in the heat of the moment. "We’ll talk about the screen time issue at the meeting" keeps the problem separate from the relationship.
- 3Facilitate toward solutions the child generates, even if imperfect — a less-optimal solution they own is more effective than a better solution imposed.
What the evidence says
MechanisticParticipatory decision-making research in organizational and educational contexts consistently shows that involvement in generating solutions increases compliance and motivation. Family meetings are the parenting application of this principle.
Honest caveat: Family meetings as a specific intervention have limited controlled-trial research; the underlying principle of participatory decision-making is broadly supported in organizational and educational research contexts.
Common mistake
Using the family meeting as a venue for announcing decisions that have already been made — which the children will immediately perceive, converting a participatory tool into a performance.
IX Coach helps you structure and prepare for a family meeting on a specific issue: agenda framing, facilitation approach, and how to guide toward solutions without steering toward your preferred one.
Practice this with IX Coach →