Let go of others’ opinions of you
Another’s contempt is their judgment, not your business; only your own conduct is yours to mind.
Key takeaways
- What it is: Another’s contempt is their judgment, not your business; only your own conduct is yours to mind.
- Why it works: Epictetus points out that other people’s opinions are firmly in the "not up to us" column, so staking your peace on them is a guaranteed loss. He even advises welcoming criticism: if it’s true, fix it; if it’s false, it costs you nothing. This severs your equanimity from a variable — others’ approval — you can never fully control.
- Evidence: Backed by observational / correlational evidence.
- Avoid: Swinging to "I don’t care what anyone thinks" and ignoring accurate feedback. The skill is using true criticism and releasing only the part you can’t control — their approval.
Why it works
Epictetus points out that other people’s opinions are firmly in the "not up to us" column, so staking your peace on them is a guaranteed loss. He even advises welcoming criticism: if it’s true, fix it; if it’s false, it costs you nothing. This severs your equanimity from a variable — others’ approval — you can never fully control.
How to do it
- 1When stung by someone’s opinion, note that their judgment is in their power, not yours.
- 2Ask whether the criticism is accurate; if so, use it, and if not, let it pass.
- 3Return your attention to your own conduct, which is the only verdict that’s yours to deliver.
What the evidence says
ObservationalRelates to research linking contingent self-worth (basing self-esteem on others’ approval) to greater distress, and to defusion techniques that loosen the grip of others’ evaluations. The Stoic framing predates and parallels these.
Honest caveat: The contingent-self-worth link is studied; the specific Stoic practice is philosophical. Total indifference to all feedback is its own failure mode — Epictetus keeps the part where true criticism is used.
Common mistake
Swinging to "I don’t care what anyone thinks" and ignoring accurate feedback. The skill is using true criticism and releasing only the part you can’t control — their approval.
IX Coach helps you separate the usable signal in criticism from the part that’s just someone else’s opinion, so feedback informs you without governing your sense of worth.
Practice this with IX Coach →