Give regular assurances of commitment
Explicitly remind your partner of your love, commitment, and investment in the relationship.
Key takeaways
- What it is: Explicitly remind your partner of your love, commitment, and investment in the relationship.
- Why it works: Assurances — direct statements of love, commitment, and the intention to remain in the relationship — address the attachment system’s ongoing monitoring of relational security. Attachment research shows that even securely attached adults benefit from explicit reassurance, not because they doubt the relationship but because explicit signals update the internal working model. Stafford found assurances to be among the strongest predictors of satisfaction alongside positivity.
- Evidence: Backed by observational / correlational evidence.
- Avoid: Assuming your partner knows your commitment without saying it — "They should know by now" is consistently contradicted by research showing that explicit assurances carry independent weight.
Why it works
Assurances — direct statements of love, commitment, and the intention to remain in the relationship — address the attachment system’s ongoing monitoring of relational security. Attachment research shows that even securely attached adults benefit from explicit reassurance, not because they doubt the relationship but because explicit signals update the internal working model. Stafford found assurances to be among the strongest predictors of satisfaction alongside positivity.
How to do it
- 1Say "I love you" and mean it — but also vary the form: "I’m really glad you’re in my life," "I’d choose this again."
- 2Name specifically what you value about the relationship, not only about your partner as an individual.
- 3During conflict, offer the assurance first: "I’m committed to us even when this is hard."
- 4Don’t assume your partner knows; the research suggests explicit statements carry weight even in stable relationships.
What the evidence says
ObservationalAssurances consistently rank among the strongest maintenance behaviors in Stafford’s research, with direct links to satisfaction, commitment, and the perception that the relationship is worth maintaining.
Honest caveat: Survey-based; the effect is correlational. Hollow or insincere assurances likely have no benefit or may backfire — authenticity appears to be the active ingredient.
- — Stafford & Canary (1991), maintenance strategies and romantic relationship type, Communication Monographs
Common mistake
Assuming your partner knows your commitment without saying it — "They should know by now" is consistently contradicted by research showing that explicit assurances carry independent weight.
IX Coach prompts you to express an assurance in your own words at regular intervals, especially during stretches where the relationship is under logistical pressure and assurances tend to thin out.
Practice this with IX Coach →