Make extra deposits during difficult life periods
External stress drains PSO — consciously increase positive interactions when life is hard.
Key takeaways
- What it is: External stress drains PSO — consciously increase positive interactions when life is hard.
- Why it works: Major stressors (job loss, illness, a move, a family crisis) predictably erode positive interaction rates because attention and energy go to the stressor. The relationship is running on the reserve of PSO built before the stress hit. If that reserve was thin to begin with, a sustained stressor can tip a relationship into NSO without any specific conflict being the culprit. Recognizing this and making deliberate deposits during stressful periods prevents the drift rather than requiring repair after it.
- Evidence: Backed by observational / correlational evidence.
- Avoid: Treating the relationship as the lowest priority during a hard period ("we’ll reconnect once this is over") — hard periods rarely end cleanly, and the damage to PSO often outlasts them.
Why it works
Major stressors (job loss, illness, a move, a family crisis) predictably erode positive interaction rates because attention and energy go to the stressor. The relationship is running on the reserve of PSO built before the stress hit. If that reserve was thin to begin with, a sustained stressor can tip a relationship into NSO without any specific conflict being the culprit. Recognizing this and making deliberate deposits during stressful periods prevents the drift rather than requiring repair after it.
How to do it
- 1When a major stressor begins, name it as a risk to relational connection: "This is going to be a hard stretch — let’s be deliberate."
- 2Agree on a simple deposit: a daily brief check-in, a physical reconnection moment at the end of the day.
- 3Lower the bar for what counts as quality time — ten connected minutes beats an elaborate date that’s too exhausting to organize.
- 4Check in weekly: "Are we staying connected enough? What do you need right now?"
What the evidence says
ObservationalExternal stress is a documented risk factor for relationship quality, with life events predicting relationship deterioration in longitudinal studies. Couple-directed coping — facing stressors as a team — is associated with buffered effects of stress on relationship satisfaction.
Honest caveat: Correlation-based; the direction of effect (whether dyadic coping protects relationships, or better relationships produce better coping) is not fully established.
- — Bodenmann, G. (2005). Dyadic coping and its significance for marital functioning. In Couples coping with stress. American Psychological Association.
Common mistake
Treating the relationship as the lowest priority during a hard period ("we’ll reconnect once this is over") — hard periods rarely end cleanly, and the damage to PSO often outlasts them.
IX Coach prompts higher-frequency micro-check-ins during periods of elevated stress you’ve flagged, keeping deposit rate up when the natural tendency is to let it drop.
Practice this with IX Coach →