Make the other person feel important — sincerely
Talk to people in terms of what matters to them, and give honest, specific appreciation.
Key takeaways
- What it is: Talk to people in terms of what matters to them, and give honest, specific appreciation.
- Why it works: The desire to feel important is a deep human motive, and specific appreciation meets it directly. Sincerity is the dividing line: honest appreciation names something true and particular, while flattery is generic and self-serving — and people are surprisingly good at telling them apart.
- Evidence: Practitioner experience / self-report; no formal study.
- Avoid: Reaching for flattery — vague praise designed to get something — instead of honest, specific appreciation of something real.
Why it works
The desire to feel important is a deep human motive, and specific appreciation meets it directly. Sincerity is the dividing line: honest appreciation names something true and particular, while flattery is generic and self-serving — and people are surprisingly good at telling them apart.
How to do it
- 1Find something genuinely admirable and name it specifically, not generically.
- 2Frame requests around what the other person values, not only what you want.
- 3Withhold the compliment entirely if you can’t make it honest — flattery costs trust.
What the evidence says
AnecdotalCarnegie’s appreciation principle is practitioner wisdom. It rhymes with research on reciprocity and on the motivational pull of feeling valued, but the prescription itself is anecdotal.
Honest caveat: The crucial sincerity caveat is Carnegie’s own and is well-founded: insincere flattery erodes trust once detected.
Common mistake
Reaching for flattery — vague praise designed to get something — instead of honest, specific appreciation of something real.
IX Coach helps you locate the genuine, specific thing worth appreciating so the words land as sincere rather than transactional.
Practice this with IX Coach →