Don’t make it about you
Resist the reflex to relate by topping their story with your own.
Key takeaways
- What it is: Resist the reflex to relate by topping their story with your own.
- Why it works: Sharing "the same thing happened to me" feels like connection but usually redirects the spotlight onto you, leaving the person to attend to your experience instead of their own. Sociologists call this "conversational narcissism" — the subtle shifting of the turn back to oneself. Holding space means keeping the attention on them, even when your own memory is loudly relevant.
- Evidence: Plausible mechanism, limited direct outcome data.
- Avoid: Trying to show empathy by matching their story with your own ("oh I know exactly, when I…"), which quietly steals the focus they needed to keep.
Why it works
Sharing "the same thing happened to me" feels like connection but usually redirects the spotlight onto you, leaving the person to attend to your experience instead of their own. Sociologists call this "conversational narcissism" — the subtle shifting of the turn back to oneself. Holding space means keeping the attention on them, even when your own memory is loudly relevant.
How to do it
- 1Notice the urge to say "that reminds me of when I…" and hold it.
- 2Keep returning the focus to them with questions and reflections, not your parallel story.
- 3Share your own experience only if it clearly serves them and they’re ready to hear it.
What the evidence says
MechanisticCharles Derber’s sociological work describes "conversational narcissism" — the shift-response that redirects attention to the listener. It’s an observational/descriptive concept; applying it to holding space is mechanistic.
Honest caveat: Well-timed self-disclosure can deepen connection; the problem is the reflexive shift that hijacks the turn, not all sharing.
- — Derber, "The Pursuit of Attention" — shift response vs. support response in conversation
Common mistake
Trying to show empathy by matching their story with your own ("oh I know exactly, when I…"), which quietly steals the focus they needed to keep.
IX Coach helps you catch the "that reminds me of me" reflex and practice support responses that keep the attention where it belongs.
Practice this with IX Coach →