Validate: acknowledge what makes sense about their perspective
Find the part of their view that is understandable given their experience — and say so.
Key takeaways
- What it is: Find the part of their view that is understandable given their experience — and say so.
- Why it works: Validation is not agreement. Saying "I understand why you’d feel that way given what you’ve been through" does not mean "you are right." It means "your response makes sense as a response." This distinction is critical: validation removes the need to win the argument about whose perception is correct, which is usually the engine of escalation, without requiring you to abandon your own position. Validated people are more willing to hear your perspective in return.
- Evidence: Established clinical or therapeutic practice.
- Avoid: Using "I understand but..." as a validation, which signals that the validation was a setup for dismissal — the "but" erases the validation. Validate fully before moving to your own perspective.
Why it works
Validation is not agreement. Saying "I understand why you’d feel that way given what you’ve been through" does not mean "you are right." It means "your response makes sense as a response." This distinction is critical: validation removes the need to win the argument about whose perception is correct, which is usually the engine of escalation, without requiring you to abandon your own position. Validated people are more willing to hear your perspective in return.
How to do it
- 1Find one thing in their position that genuinely makes sense: a value, a past experience, a reasonable concern.
- 2Name it explicitly: "Given what happened before, it makes sense that you’d be cautious about this."
- 3Validate before asserting your own position — sequencing matters.
What the evidence says
Clinical practiceValidation is a central component of DBT and has specific evidence in therapeutic settings for reducing patient distress and increasing therapeutic alliance. In interpersonal contexts, felt-validation consistently reduces defensive reactivity.
Honest caveat: DBT validation evidence is primarily from clinical therapy populations; the mechanism (felt-safety reducing defensiveness) is well supported but the specific effect in everyday interpersonal conflict is less directly trialed.
- — Linehan (1997), validation in dialectical behavior therapy, Cognitive and Behavioral Practice
Common mistake
Using "I understand but..." as a validation, which signals that the validation was a setup for dismissal — the "but" erases the validation. Validate fully before moving to your own perspective.
IX Coach helps you identify a genuine validation point before the conversation and coaches you to deliver it as a complete, unhurried statement rather than a preface to a counterargument.
Practice this with IX Coach →