Be Fair: include yourself in the fairness you extend to others
Apply the same standards of fairness to yourself that you would to someone you respect.
Key takeaways
- What it is: Apply the same standards of fairness to yourself that you would to someone you respect.
- Why it works: People who consistently prioritize others’ needs at the expense of their own are not being selfless — they are applying an asymmetric fairness standard that progressively erodes self-respect and resentment-free relationship quality. FAST’s Fair component corrects this by making the standard symmetric: your needs, time, and limits matter as much as theirs. This is not selfishness; it is the condition for sustainable, non-resentful giving.
- Evidence: Backed by observational / correlational evidence.
- Avoid: Framing self-inclusion as selfishness ("I shouldn’t need this") — which is itself the asymmetric thinking FAST is designed to correct.
Why it works
People who consistently prioritize others’ needs at the expense of their own are not being selfless — they are applying an asymmetric fairness standard that progressively erodes self-respect and resentment-free relationship quality. FAST’s Fair component corrects this by making the standard symmetric: your needs, time, and limits matter as much as theirs. This is not selfishness; it is the condition for sustainable, non-resentful giving.
How to do it
- 1When assessing whether a request is reasonable, ask: "Would I accept this if someone asked it of a friend I respect?"
- 2Include your own interests explicitly when problem-solving: "Here’s what works for them, and here’s what works for me."
- 3Name the asymmetry when you notice it: "I’ve been prioritizing your schedule — I need us to balance this."
What the evidence says
ObservationalSelf-compassion research consistently shows that extending to the self the same care one would extend to others is associated with psychological wellbeing, sustainable motivation, and lower resentment — all of which underlie the FAST fairness principle.
Honest caveat: Self-compassion research is correlational; the specific application of symmetric fairness to interpersonal decisions is a clinical extension of that general evidence.
- — Neff (2003), self-compassion: an alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself, Self and Identity
Common mistake
Framing self-inclusion as selfishness ("I shouldn’t need this") — which is itself the asymmetric thinking FAST is designed to correct.
IX Coach runs a fairness check before planned conversations: "Does this arrangement work for you too?" surfacing where the standard is being applied asymmetrically.
Practice this with IX Coach →