Use Plan B: the three-step collaborative conversation
Empathize with the child’s concern, share yours, and invite them to solve it together.
Key takeaways
- What it is: Empathize with the child’s concern, share yours, and invite them to solve it together.
- Why it works: Plan B structures the conversation in a sequence that matters: empathy first lowers the child’s defensiveness and signals that their concern is real; sharing the adult’s concern second adds the other half of the problem; and inviting a collaborative solution last activates the child’s prefrontal reasoning rather than their threat response. The sequence only works in that order — leading with the adult’s concern triggers resistance before the child feels heard.
- Evidence: Backed by randomized trials / meta-analyses.
- Avoid: Skipping the empathy step and leading with your concern, which the child experiences as the usual lecture — activating resistance before collaboration can start.
Why it works
Plan B structures the conversation in a sequence that matters: empathy first lowers the child’s defensiveness and signals that their concern is real; sharing the adult’s concern second adds the other half of the problem; and inviting a collaborative solution last activates the child’s prefrontal reasoning rather than their threat response. The sequence only works in that order — leading with the adult’s concern triggers resistance before the child feels heard.
How to do it
- 1Empathy step: open with a neutral observation and invite their perspective. "I’ve noticed [X]. What’s up?" Then listen and reflect until they feel genuinely understood.
- 2Define the problem step: add your concern without negating theirs. "The thing is, I also worry about [Y]."
- 3Invitation step: ask collaboratively. "I wonder if there’s a way to solve this that works for both of us."
- 4Let the child generate the first solution; evaluate it against both concerns, not just yours.
What the evidence says
RCT / meta-analysisA randomized trial in a psychiatric facility found CPS significantly reduced restraint use and aggressive incidents compared to standard behavioral management.
Honest caveat: The strongest evidence comes from clinical/inpatient settings; generalization to typical home use is clinically supported but less rigorously studied in RCT form.
- — Pollastri, A. R. et al. (2013). The Collaborative Problem Solving approach. Harvard Review of Psychiatry, 21(4), 188–199.
Common mistake
Skipping the empathy step and leading with your concern, which the child experiences as the usual lecture — activating resistance before collaboration can start.
IX Coach coaches you through the Plan B conversation in real time, helping you hold the empathy step long enough for the child to feel heard before you move on.
Practice this with IX Coach →